I haven’t done this since I had a Livejournal back in 2003… which was so long ago, I don’t remember if “blogging” was even a word yet. I also don’t remember all the super-deep and edgy things I “blogged” about at 16. My high school crush? Failing my driver’s permit test twice? Must have been riveting 😛
2018 was a little more recent, but with it brought so much growth and transformation to my life, I felt I should document it — publicly on the internet, of course. It’s 2019, if it’s not on the internet then it didn’t happen 😉
For most of my life I’ve been shy, soft-spoken, crippled by my social anxiety, and have had a tendency to let my insecurities get the best of me. There are a countless number of times where I avoided something I wanted because I’d convinced myself that I didn’t deserve it, or whatever.
It’s like how some people dream of being famous and/or successful, but they’re so afraid of it actually becoming a reality that they never finish writing that book, or audition for that part, or ask that girl out, or whatever it is they want to do, because inaction is easier than giving it your all and still failing.
This was the first year in my life where I really pushed myself out of my comfort zone. Last January, after hitting an all-time low in life at the end of 2017, I flew home to Maryland and spent some days or maybe weeks in solitude to reflect on the things I liked about myself, the things I didn’t like, and all of the things I needed to change. The conclusion I came to was: I needed to grow the F up.
That meant I had to develop some self-confidence, put myself in situations that made me uncomfortable, and learn how to accept failure and being rejected.
2018 brought me some good, some bad, and some ugly, just like every year… but this was the first year where I felt in control of my future, and I now possessed the maturity to accept the things I couldn’t control with grace and the courage to keep it moving.
After being recently laid-off from a position with a company I’d planned on being with for years, I spent a week retreating into my room and wallowing in my own self-pity. Years ago, I would let this depression spiral out of control for months until I had some shit to really be sad about (like being four months behind on rent). This time, I gave myself time to grieve, accept the feelings of loss and rejection, then focused on what my next move would be.
In 2019 ain’t nobody got time, especially for that.
Doré Kittrell | GODDESSGRAFX 